​A new career beckons for Baroness Mone – panto villain - Vladimir McTavish

If you are unfamiliar with Michelle Mone (or Baroness Mone, as she is known to her closest friends) she could play the leading role in a follow-up to one of 2023’s biggest hit movies.

In this one, Barbie would grown up to be evil and horrendously rich through selling underwear. She would then send Ken round the world to buy substandard face masks and gowns to sell at 100 per cent profit to the NHS during a global pandemic. This is a blockbuster that will run and run.

You may also be familiar with Baroness D-Cup as being the woman who endlessly pontificates in public about issues such as Scottish indigence. She was against it, in case you’re interested.

Apparently, the entire bra market would have gone t*ts up in the event of a Yes vote. While nobody gave a flying fart about what she thought, as a millionaire lingerie entrepreneur, she qualified to be an expert on constitutional politics. However, I don’t remember Anne Summers sticking her oar in at the time.

Anyway, Baroness Bra-Strap is now being investigated by the Old Bill, despite protesting to Laura Kuenssberg that she has done nothing wrong apart from lying. Which, is “not against the law”.

According to her account of events in March 2020, Baroness Boob-Tube phoned up Michael Gove and said “I’d like to help”. What she obviously meant to say was “I’d like to help myself to huge piles of cash” but Gove hung up before she got to the end of the sentence.

While it is an utter scandal that these contracts were awarded to people with no medical knowledge, it really comes as no surprise.

Britain has a rich history of governments allowing spivs and racketeers to line their own pockets and to reward them with seats in the House of Lords.

The knights of the realm are a similarly motley collection. Many prominent people have publicly taken the moral stance to refuse to accept honours, due to the British Empire’s connection to the slave trade.

I would do so myself, in the highly unlikely event of being offered a knighthood.

Furthermore, I would take it as a personal insult that the state considered my contribution to society to be on a par with Sir Philip Green, Sir Jimmy Savile and Sir Alf Ramsey.

I must point out that the last named of that trio was neither a crook nor a criminal sexual deviant. However, he did manage the England football team which won the 1966 World Cup. In the opinion of many people in Scotland, that actually makes him worse.

Throughout history, the House of Lords has been home to all manner of scoundrels, ne’er- do-wells, and wrong ‘uns from Lord Lucan and the Duke of York to Baron Hardup.

OK, I admit the last one of those is not a real person, but since it’s pantomime season, I think I’m due a degree of artistic licence. “Oh no, you’re not!” I hear you cry.

Enter Baroness Mone stage right, wailing “Where’s my career ?”

“It’s behind you!”

Merry Christmas, everyone . . .