At school, being popular was much more important than being clever - Vladimir McTavish

So what happens when kids move up to big school? Who’s to blame? I suspect little has changed since I was at school. I was top of the class in primary two and consistently achieved high places and prizes until I moved up to secondary, when I lost interest in education. Being popular became much more important than being clever.

I found I had a lot more friends by being the class clown than by being considered to be a swot or a teacher’s pet. I got a lot more more mates through being cheeky than I ever did through getting good marks in tests. Also, back in the seventies discipline was more important than academic achievement. Our teachers were more concerned about keeping us in order rather than actually imparting any knowledge.

My headmaster, however, did inspire me to follow the career path which I have taken. In fifth year, his report stated that I would “never earn his living as a comedian”. That was all the inspiration I needed to act out of spite. All these years later, I’ve proved the guy wrong.

On reflection, after a quick look at my bank balance, he may have had a point. While I may have been a professional comedian for around 30 years, it is still open to debate whether I actually “earn my living” doing it.

Exams and academic studies lose their appeal to a lot of young people once they become teenagers. And this has always been the case. If I could have taken my Highers in how to smoke behind the bike sheds without getting caught, the meanings of David Bowie lyrics and trivial knowledge about the Scotland 1974 World Cup squad, with a practical exam in spitting at the bus stop, my life would have taken a turn in a totally different direction.

I would have got straight As right across the board. Alas, I failed sadly in maths, physics and history, none of which were my field of expertise.

Today’s youngsters should be offered the opportunity to gain qualifications in the skills in which they obviously excel. The Curriculum for Excellence should be broadened to include subjects such as: Noising up your mates at the bus stop and shouting “paedo” at random passers-by.

There’s also playing loud music on your phone on the top deck of the bus without headphones, setting off fireworks in the park on any day in autumn apart from November 5th and painting badly-drawn pictures of genitals on bus shelters – with extra marks for showing the initiative to add captions such as “Gary’s c*ck”.

And spitting (still as fashionable among 15 year-olds as it was when I was their age).

Of course, for those from wealthy families, loutish behaviour has always been rewarded.

Spend three years at Oxford University doing very little other than getting obnoxiously drunk and smashing up restaurants and you’ll have a good chance of becoming Prime Minister one day.