Own up, who stole Boris Johnson’s Lego? – Susan Morrison

What is it with Boris Johnson and bridges? Did someone take his Lego away when he was a kid?

I recall some carry-on about a garden bridge in London. As far as I could make out it was a pedestrian bridge with some pot plants on it. Couldn’t they just stick some hanging baskets on a couple of the bridges they already have?

The one he’s banging on about now would most likely stretch from Portpatrick to Larne, about 28 miles. Do not get me wrong, we have the engineers for just those sorts of shenanigans and I have no doubt that we could build it if we wanted to, but Boris, let’s just sit down and think about it, shall we?

The estimate on your desk is £20 billion. By next week it will be £25bn. That’s how engineering estimates grow. Ever had a bathroom fitted? Watched Grand Designs? That Kevin McCloud could tell you.

Things never go to plan. It all starts well, then you find dry rot, dodgy plumbing or a dumping ground for post-Second World War explosives. It all adds up y’know.

Look at that expensive train set you’re getting to play with down south. Currently HS2 has a price tag of £106 billion, and they aren’t even building that in the Irish Sea. I didn’t even know there was that amount of money in the world, unless you owned Amazon or something.

All that cash and I bet the toilets on the trains still won’t work.